October 18, 2014 - the night of my parents 77th anniversary.
Okay, I have finally had it with my body. It is seriously time to lose weight = for myself. I am uncomfortable, I have lost the respect of those who have known me for years and cannot understand how I have let my weight go. Nothing fits. I have to buy huge clothes. But the worst of all is having this huge belly directly under my boobs - and my rear end looks like it belongs to Mama June on Honey BooBoo.
I can do this. I know I can. I have just mentally let myself go. I haven't cared and I don't know why. There are really no excuses although I have given myself a thousand. Okay, no more bull shitting. This has to change. I weighed in at 202 - that is completely unacceptable. I am the one that had the body to die for. Men were always falling over me, complimenting me, etc. I looked great in my clothes. I was a model for gods sake. I was on TV when you had to weigh 120 - so what in hell happened besides pregnancy and age? Well, I do love to eat - we all know that. But lots of people love to eat and can control their weight so that is no excuse. I have to do something about this and the time to start is NOW. It is now 11:34 pm. I have had several drinks because I could not sleep but am now going to bed = and I am going to bed with a determination that I WILL get down to a size 14. That is my goal. Be damed with the scale - I am going to get down to a 14 period. Good Luck, Nancy
2 hours later - cannot sleep even though I am drinking. Had a most unsuccessful phone call with Michael about how uncommunicative he is with Taylor. What a completly fucked up family. Taylor really needs his father.
MONDAY MORNING - I weighed in at 197 and am going to start tapping for weight loss today. My goal is 150 by the time we go to Hawaii so I had better start now. Yesterday I had a normal breakfast, an egg, tomato, sausage and 1/2 piece of Eziekel Bread. For lunch I had a bowl of homemade soup and for dinner I had 1/2 an avecado and a baked potato with sour cream. I am going to ease into a Vegan lifestyle and give up meat forever. I should be able to do this easily as I didn't eat red meat for almost 20 years when I lived in the Caribbean.
My God - what is it? What have I done? I know that the answer to this question is nothing. I have done nothing but give, give , give. I never had grandparents so I don't really know the proper role that we should take. But I do know that when you have children THEY should teach their children that you are important. I have 7 grandchildren and I personally feel that I am of no importance to any of them, except Lauren Phillips, oddly enough not my grandchild at all but the daughter of Mamie, Greg's wife. I try to do everything for my grandchildren. I have insurance programs for them that I pay dearly for each month. I send them gifts. I comment on their FB pages. They totally ignore me. So now I am making out my will. I have a lot of money that they could use and yet I find myself being discriminating about this. I find myself holding back and not the unconditional love that I preach at all. I don't like this. I want to be open and free - I want to have a direct conversation with them and I cannot understand why I cannot. Had I been lucky enough to have me as a grandmother I would have talked to her all the time. I would have confided in her, asked hr advise, discussed my love affairs and such = but alas, I was not blessed with that. So what am I blessed with. This is hard to say as my grandchildren, seem to me, to be totally narcissistic, interested in only themselves, unappreciative and so on. Neither my children or my grandchildren ever seem to care about me, as their mother, as a person. They never ask me how I am, how I feel, whats happening etc. They only seem interested in what is happening to them, to their lives, etc. My life is totally inconsequential to them.
It has been many years since my parents have died but I truly do not think that I ever thought this way about them. I would like to think that I cared about them, how they were and what was happening in their lives. Alas, maybe I am just so old that it just doesn't matter++++
I have been thinking about writing this letter for over two months, since we visited the Gulf Coast for Hannah and Christian's graduation in early June. I noticed then that something was very wrong between you and JD and I also noticed that it was YOUR doing. You were critical, absent and negative towards him. Not at all what I had expected from the last time I had visited in August of '14.
Everyone in the family knows your reputation for being manipulative. This is no secret. I first noticed in in '98 when Hannah was born and Greg and Stacy were living in the Turtle Bay Condominium. You and I were sleeping in the loft and Greg was working the night shift at Turtle Bay. You absolutely would not go to sleep, night after night, until Greg came in about 2 am, tired and worn out, and you would start your nightly tirade of crying and putting the guilt on him. I thought at the time - Whoa, Mama, this gal is nothing but trouble.
Before I go any further - let me explain that I know you carry the DRD4 gene from both Bud and me through Greg. Look it up. I then followed you through your teen years, when you got drunk, were raped, HELLO - through college, when you at least had the good sense to live with Tim but totally missed all of the marvelous activities you could have had = had you been a coed and lived in the dorm or the sorority house. These opportunities only come once in a lifetime. Then you joined the AF and were raped again. HELLO - and you ruined this man's life when he was dishonorably discharged because you were drunk.
Ok, so after 89 sexual fornications, which were admitted by you to both of my other granddaughters, you decide to marry. I was wild with excitement that you had found the most perfect man, as he is, in JD. I thought to myself - At last, this rebel, wild granddaughter is ending up with some sense. The entire family adored, and still adores. JD, as we always will. We thought how lucky you were to find such a man who would tolerate and love you. WOW
Then you had Barrett and the family was totally enthralled. And if that wasn't enough you extended your love to Hannah by taking her in at a most critical point in her life. I remarked to Dave that I may have been wrong about you and praised you to the mountain tops to everyone in the family. That gesture was so wonderful, so remarkable, so generous and so very loving.
Dave and I then came to the coast for the graduation of Hannah and Christian. As I have said, I noticed something was wrong immediately. I have lived a lot of life in my 75 years - including relationships, affairs, etc. and I could tell that something was wrong.
However, I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that you could be so selfish, so heartless, so despicable as to have an affair and bring it home to JD, Hannah and Barrett. Affairs are one thing - to bring them home and shove them into the face of those who love you is quite another thing all together. Do you have any concept, whatsoever, selfish Deva that you are, what you have done to our family? Including your mother and your half sisters? Do you have any concept of the fact that you are now considered not only a slut and a tramp but an infidel to all of us? Do you know how many people this involves? 20? 30? 40? Do you have any concept as to what you have done, not only to the Longnecker name, but to your mother and Charlie's name? To your sister's name?
What kind of woman not only has an affair but brings the man she is having an affair with home to live in her house, with her husband and her child? This is disgraceful - absolutely disgraceful and you will live many years before it is forgiven or forgotten.
I am beyond disappointed and disgusted. I am old. I do not need your love or want it. I am only sorry that I gave you an original Dusti Bonge worth thousands of dollars that I could have given to other grandchildren. I care not if you ever speak to me again. What you have done is stupid, selfish, wrong, irresponsible and totally without any sort of worth - regardless of your great opinion of yourself. You have hurt Hannah beyond any recompense which is tragic considering how important you were to her life. How could you do this? I will not even begin to say how you have hurt JD. Your father. Your mother. Charlie? JD's parents, his extended family. Selfish to the max.
Get over the sexual part of your life, Lauren and grow up. If you continue in this vein you will look like Keith Richards by the time you are 40 - with no friends but whores and sluts, no family, no nothing. Your actions are pathetic and I, personally, am disgusted by them.
Sorry - I truly wish that our relationship had a different ending for us and for the rest of the family. You have to live with this mistake for the rest of your life. Please grow up and get a brain that has some compassion and empathy. As for me, I could have been a wonderful grandmother to you for the rest of your life. But now - forget it. Go to Shannon who is of the same ilk.
A long talk with Michael on Bud's birthday 2015
Greg called tonight and said that Michael was sick with a Strep throat and would I please call him. Michael and I rarely talk because he is always so busy so I put off calling him. But then I couldn't sleep so I got up at about 3 am and called. We talked for an hour and he said more in that hour than he has said in ten years.
He definitely misses his father and is sad that he died with all of the unresolved issues between them. Evidently, at one time Bud questioned him about being gay. Mike said that he literally came over his desk and shook him until he had to stop him with harsh words. Of course, I never knew this because Bud and I never talked after I left. Mike did go through a bad time in San Francisco after wife Diane left him. He got in with a wild group and used a lot of drugs which I think has affected him ever since
At any rate, the boys are having a lot of financial problems with the business as they both are over extended. The apples don't fall far from the tree as Bud was the same way.
9/2/16 I just had the most extroidinary thought - I was watching a hysterical British comedy, Keeping up Appearances, which led me to thinking about my mother, what an Anglophile she was and how very important appearances were to her. Having been a student of the occult, NWO and Illuminati and learning the lies of the world the thought came to me. What if ??? What if we were born into this world full of lies - not to understand it but to transcend it. What if this planet exists just to teach us the difference between truth and lies??? What if we are exposed to lies from the beginning just to teach us how to think - how to differentiate ??? People always ask, Why were we born? Why are we here? What is our purpose?? What are we to learn??
What if we were just born here, in the Prison Planet with all of its beauty, talent and nature, just to learn the difference between truth and lies? We know at the onset that it is a planet of duality - so what if we are all born with the belief that everything we hear and see is truth. This is a part of our basic belief system. Then as we grow and learn more we discover that every single thing is false - everything.
Would that not be the way to discover truth? By eventually discovering that everything we are taught is lies? No wonder so many people are sheeple - they never learn how to think - how to distinguish - how to discriminate. So after learning the truth - that all are lies - where does that leave us??
Where does that leave us indeed?? Just exactly where? Are mathematics the only truth and not history? Science is discovery and always changing so its truths change. Literature and the arts are simply personal and subject to talent and opinion. The social sciences are nothing but observation, theory and conclusions. So exactly, where is the truth?? And my discovery is maybe that is what we are here to learn - what is truth? is there any such thing? how would we know it? once finding it how could we possibly know it is true?? And why is this discovery even important to me?? Could I finally be understanding the Buddha's saying as to - Believe nothing - even if I say it - believe nothing??
Are we here, faced with all of the ditrades, opinions, propaganda, etc. just to learn to BELIEVE NOTHING. Is this the way to nothingness?? Could this be the way to personal salvation??? We are here - in this world of duality just to discover that duality exists only to teach one to think. That as you come to a conclusion - there is also its opposite. therefore the only conclusion one can have is nothing because everything can be falsified, argued, defended and persecuted. Imagine that - and all of the time religion, etc. has taught us that we need to do this - and that - and be this - and that. Total and final Bullshit.
So, in consequence to the thought that nothing is everything then obviously nothing matters. WOW. Logic 101 - now why was I never taught that???
If only truth matters - and there is no truth because everything is debatable and only seen from various viewpoints - then obviously nothing matters. It is all a giant Hoax - so in realizing that - have I, indeed, come to the one and only TRUTH? And thus is the fallacy of this world = what a joke, what a paradox, what a stupid piece of shit that we all think everything is so fucking important. WOW - Logic 102
And it took me 76 years to discover this??? Am I stupid or is it just so simple that it is difficult? Is this, indeed, the secret to life? Is this why the man living in poverty is perhaps happier with his lot than the billionaire who always craves more? I could have finally discovered the secret to life - and how ironic that this train of thought was brought about by a British comedy.